Month: June 2012

Fixer Upper

I don't want to write like, a retrospective post on this past year. I don't really want to detail all the things I hated that happened, all the things I've learned, how much I've changed, etc.

What I do feel like saying is that I'm in such discontent with my life. I'm happy, most of the time. I'm just incredibly discontent. I don't like where I am, I don't like what I'm doing.

I think I know how to get out of it. But we'll see when we get there. I know there are major issues I have to deal with. I know I need more of the people I love, in my life, closer. I know that I need to stop thinking that everything will fix itself if I just move to another city again. I need to stop preventing myself from growing roots somewhere just because I want to be somewhere else. It's unhealthy, and while it feels all glamorous to jet around the US and visit people, I remember being so much happier while I was in NYC, and I knew who I was and where I'd be each week. Not that there weren't things I lacked then... but I had more concrete steps to change things then, instead of hoping that this ambiguous new city would be the key to 'happiness.'

I have to get to a stable place again, where I feel like I'm not constantly spending energy simply adjusting to life, so that I can focus on things I know make me happy, like working on projects. Like playing piano. Like singing. Like writing, like reading. All these things that i know make me happy, but that I forgo in exchange for nights on the couch, devouring TV movies and endlessly clicking links on the internet, hoping that either of those things will actually satisfy me and make me happier.

I feel sort of shell-ish right now. Like there's not much that I'm doing to work on "me", on who I am and what I'm good at. And I desperately need to get that back and feel like I'm useful again.

I need to give myself the freedom to explore creativity again, to stop feeling like I can't do it just because I *haven't* done it. I need to let myself do things for their own sake, not as a means to an end. Like this! I dont' know what this post means. But the important part is that it doesn't have to mean anything. It doesn't have to define me as a person, or even as a person at this moment. It just is... and I need to let myself feel and do more things without pressuring myself to imbue it with MEANING and FEELING, as if doing so would make it more worthwhile.