things i know | thingsiknow.net http://thingsiknow.net/ Writer. Gamer. Designer. Relaunched and ready to roll. en Copyright 2012 Sat, 16 Jun 2012 16:12:56 -0500 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://www.rssboard.org/rss-specification Fixer Upper I don't want to write like, a retrospective post on this past year. I don't really want to detail all the things I hated that happened, all the things I've learned, how much I've changed, etc.

What I do feel like saying is that I'm in such discontent with my life. I'm happy, most of the time. I'm just incredibly discontent. I don't like where I am, I don't like what I'm doing.

I think I know how to get out of it. But we'll see when we get there. I know there are major issues I have to deal with. I know I need more of the people I love, in my life, closer. I know that I need to stop thinking that everything will fix itself if I just move to another city again. I need to stop preventing myself from growing roots somewhere just because I want to be somewhere else. It's unhealthy, and while it feels all glamorous to jet around the US and visit people, I remember being so much happier while I was in NYC, and I knew who I was and where I'd be each week. Not that there weren't things I lacked then... but I had more concrete steps to change things then, instead of hoping that this ambiguous new city would be the key to 'happiness.'

I have to get to a stable place again, where I feel like I'm not constantly spending energy simply adjusting to life, so that I can focus on things I know make me happy, like working on projects. Like playing piano. Like singing. Like writing, like reading. All these things that i know make me happy, but that I forgo in exchange for nights on the couch, devouring TV movies and endlessly clicking links on the internet, hoping that either of those things will actually satisfy me and make me happier.

I feel sort of shell-ish right now. Like there's not much that I'm doing to work on "me", on who I am and what I'm good at. And I desperately need to get that back and feel like I'm useful again.

I need to give myself the freedom to explore creativity again, to stop feeling like I can't do it just because I *haven't* done it. I need to let myself do things for their own sake, not as a means to an end. Like this! I dont' know what this post means. But the important part is that it doesn't have to mean anything. It doesn't have to define me as a person, or even as a person at this moment. It just is... and I need to let myself feel and do more things without pressuring myself to imbue it with MEANING and FEELING, as if doing so would make it more worthwhile.

]]> http://thingsiknow.net/2012/06/fixer-upper.html http://thingsiknow.net/2012/06/fixer-upper.html Sat, 16 Jun 2012 16:12:56 -0500 Test http://thingsiknow.net/2012/05/test.html http://thingsiknow.net/2012/05/test.html Tue, 08 May 2012 00:20:57 -0500 On Friends Lesson of the year is that no matter how "so right" things seemed at one point, they probably weren't since obviously shit didn't work out.

But it's a testament to kickass friends how quickly my story turned from self-pity and regret to strength and resolve in the aftermath. <3

]]> http://thingsiknow.net/2011/08/on-friends.html http://thingsiknow.net/2011/08/on-friends.html Wed, 31 Aug 2011 16:19:04 -0500 On Long Distances It's funny how things shake out.

A few months ago I was coping with a somewhat long-due end of a long-distance relationship with half of my energy, and packing up my belongings to move across the country for a job with the other half. Among other reasons, neither of us saw ourselves moving to the same city so that we could have a proper functioning life together, and yet here I was leaving I city I loved for 6 years so that I could take a chance on a brand new company, that I was head over heels in love with. And the use of that romantic terminology is key.

Because that's where the taboo lies right? I think a lot of the time we hear about friends moving places for relationships, and we cynically say to ourselves, "Man, what if that doesn't work out? Wouldn't that suck? She/he probably didn't think that one through, in my opinion" and all these cautionary tales about relationships and all the reasons they fail.

When I got my new job - sure there were some "Wow, are you sure you're ready to leave New York?" sentiments, but overwhelmingly, I was congratulated, applauded for starting the next chapter of my life, taking a chance, and people reassured me that this was the right thing to do.

I remember talking with my friend Zoe just a while ago, and wondering why we felt so much more confident (and supported) moving for jobs versus relationships. Why do we tend to be more cautionary and in my case, put the brakes on a really -- well, this is all subjective, naturally -- good relationship that despite a lot of wrong, also had a lot of right going for it? Why, when it comes to jobs, are we so exponentially more willing to take that leap?

Because as it turned out -- this job didn't work out. And while I think I'll be okay in the short to mid-run, it is every bit as terrifying and "now what am I going to do?" as I might begin to imagine moving for a relationship would be.

I mean - right now I'm in the raw thick of it. It's fraught with "how could things go so wrong?" and "I wish this went differently." It's figuring out practically what I need to do next now that I'm settled in a new city, but also emotionally how I'm going to move on and find that next thing that's going to make me feel wanted, make me feel worth it. It's knowing that all of a sudden I have serious trust issues even after both of us making huge commitments.

How do I fall in love again? How do I find the motivation to get out there and apply for new jobs and interview and start at a new company without fearing at every step that it's going to go wrong again?

How do I take a lesson away from this that isn't just cynical? That isn't just how the world is unfair and you have to play the game and not give up 100% of yourself?

And what, if anything, do I take away about long distance leaps of faith going forward?

]]> http://thingsiknow.net/2011/07/on-long-distances.html http://thingsiknow.net/2011/07/on-long-distances.html Sun, 24 Jul 2011 12:55:03 -0500 courage to be vulnerable, strength to pull through - things that it takes to survive caring about someone and yet not be together, because to be together would require sacrificing those bits of what you admire so much about each other, the drive to succeed, the curiosity to explore, your hopes and dreams for the future.

]]> http://thingsiknow.net/2011/04/courage-to-be-vulnerable-stren.html http://thingsiknow.net/2011/04/courage-to-be-vulnerable-stren.html Fri, 29 Apr 2011 13:29:31 -0500 The 404

]]> http://thingsiknow.net/2011/04/the-404.html http://thingsiknow.net/2011/04/the-404.html Wed, 27 Apr 2011 23:49:00 -0500 The Plan April 25-29: Pack, ship/donate unwanted goods
May 3: Ship
May 8: Fly to Seattle
May 9-13: Find/sign apartment
May 14: Fly to LA
May 20: Anne's Bachelorette Party
May 22: Anne's Wedding
May 23: Return to Seattle
May 25: Start new job
May 28-31: Move into new apartment

//collapse

]]> http://thingsiknow.net/2011/04/the-plan.html http://thingsiknow.net/2011/04/the-plan.html Mon, 25 Apr 2011 17:01:19 -0500 To be fair, I can't refuse to believe in fate... ... but also continue to believe that there is such thing as The One.

]]> http://thingsiknow.net/2011/04/to-be-fair-i-cant-refuse-to-be.html http://thingsiknow.net/2011/04/to-be-fair-i-cant-refuse-to-be.html Sun, 24 Apr 2011 18:04:15 -0500 It's the hardest thing, to believe that if it's meant to be, it will be Because maybe we actually just irrevocably fucked it up and then what?

]]> http://thingsiknow.net/2011/04/its-the-hardest-thing-to-belie.html http://thingsiknow.net/2011/04/its-the-hardest-thing-to-belie.html Sun, 24 Apr 2011 11:06:51 -0500 NYC Places - Text Dump Pete's Tavern
https://foursquare.com/venue/128

Only been here once, but it was an awesome once, a meeting of the minds with @TJAllard and crew to discuss a new interactive project.

Recommended: Sauteed Chicken Liver with Marsala Wine, Onions and Mushrooms

Village Pourhouse
https://foursquare.com/venue/31891

Back when Rock Band nights first took off, this was the place to be. It's where I first met @chrisa9 and @leighalexander, where I rocked the stage with @alex_navarro and @samitsarkar. Been a while since I went back, mostly because it got too crowded for my taste.

Macondo
https://foursquare.com/venue/40773

First stopped by here during @chrisa9's birthday after-party. I vaguely remember drinking delicious white sangria out of a crazy watering-can style carafe. Repeat visits led me to discover their great selection of tapas we well as an amazing hibiscus margarita.

Recommended: Sangria Blanca, Ceviche Camaron

Pastis
https://foursquare.com/venue/1132

The time I remember most here was a beautiful Saturday brunch with @beeme. New York had finally started to give us sunshine this season, and it was the perfect afternoon to catch up and share great stories.

Recommended: Sunday brunch, to see all the well-dressed but hungover Saturday night praters.

Blaue Gans
https://foursquare.com/venue/32590

Memories of celebratory afternoons with the @Candystand crew, leaving work early for a pint (okay a few) of beer, schnitzel, sausages, and vulgar commentary from @BernarBekirov.

Recommended: Jager Schnitzel, Apple Strudel

Back Room
https://foursquare.com/venue/20844

An old AOL coworker brought us here after a few rounds at Whiskey Ward. A crazy dark alleyway leads into an unmarked door, opening up into a speakeasy-style, velvet-lined bar. Sexy, with a hidden VIP room (behind the bookcase), cocktails served in teacups, beer served in paper bags.

Recommended: Don't tell your cohorts where you're going and surprise them.

PDT
https://foursquare.com/venue/36524

Another hidden bar gem, loved by me because they deliver tasty tater tots from Crif Dogs next door. Hard to make reservations for, but fun to enter through the phone booth.

Recommended: Have the number handy; the phone line for reservation opens at 3pm for each night, and spots fill up quickly.

Angel's Share
https://foursquare.com/venue/2189

Trifecta for the hidden bars - this one is located behind a barely-marked door in a highly trafficked Japanese restaurant. First time was, rather appropriately, with a covert date. Great to look out at the East Village while sharing a cozy couch.

Delicatessen
https://foursquare.com/venue/139481

Cute little Nolita spot with a ton of weird personality. My first trip there marked a great afternoon excursion from the AOL office with some of our team.

Recommended: Cheeseburger Spring Rolls (YEAH)

Black and White
https://foursquare.com/venue/9204

The AOL outing staple for when Central Bar was too close and too crowded. Many nights texting for friends to meet us there, sniping tables, taking smoke breaks on the lowered patio. An almost-kiss that ended up going nowhere, but nonetheless great memories.

Sahara East
https://foursquare.com/venue/646

A staple hookah bar during the time I was dating a full-time smoker. Okay food, okay ambience, but served its purpose - a place to spend a nice evening out with friends.

Sultana Cafe
https://foursquare.com/venue/85661

Frequented this hookah spot less, but I remember the events more. Once right after the big breakup, met here with a high school friend who was in from out of town to get perspective, grounded.

Cleopatra's Needle
https://foursquare.com/venue/1496

Came here for jazz night with a freshman-year crush. Food was meh, music was meh, the date? Ended up pretty meh also!

The Burger Joint
https://foursquare.com/venue/17754

A hidden greasy burger place in the middle of the swank-ass Le Parker Meridien hotel. Always packed, with a line slinking into the hotel's posh lobby, but a pretty good burger to make up for it.

Symposium
https://foursquare.com/venue/179320

An amazing Greek restaurant, with a gracious and friendly host. We came here at first because they didn't check IDs and have amazing pitchers of sangria. Stayed for the to-die-for food selection.

Recommended: Symposium Mixed Appetizers Plate, Potpourri of Greek Foods (one order of each will satisfy a two-person table)

]]> http://thingsiknow.net/2011/04/nyc-places-text-dump.html http://thingsiknow.net/2011/04/nyc-places-text-dump.html Mon, 11 Apr 2011 00:20:59 -0500 It's been a bad day It's been a bad day and I should acknowledge that and not stress about things that are, on any other day, mostly okay.

]]> http://thingsiknow.net/2011/02/its-been-a-bad-day.html http://thingsiknow.net/2011/02/its-been-a-bad-day.html Tue, 22 Feb 2011 22:47:32 -0500 Tiny Moments There was a boy that I would fall asleep next to every once in a while. I'm kind of a nervous/anxiety-ridden sleeper - it takes me a while to wind my thoughts down. But it also created this tiny moment that put me at ease. The weight of his head resting against the back of my own - it meant that I knew the exact moment he fell asleep because it would get ever-so-slightly heavier when he dozed off. I like to think that being able to feel that 'drop' relaxed me so that I too could fall asleep, knowing that little bit of trust and intimacy was there for him to rest soundly. Not the best story to tell, and even potentially creepy, but it was a consistent piece in our something of a strange, intense relationship that makes me smile when I come back to thinking about it. There's a comfort in that tiny amount of extra pressure that made me feel very at peace.

]]> http://thingsiknow.net/2011/02/tiny-moments.html http://thingsiknow.net/2011/02/tiny-moments.html Tue, 08 Feb 2011 00:01:18 -0500 Chinese New Years Resolutions So I didn't really intend to do this, any of this. "This" being 1) setting any sort of resolution, 2) timing it around Chinese New Years - and on the year of my animal, the Rabbit, 3) making it a productivity thing.

But several key pieces fell into place over the last few days and now I'm finding myself wanting to bottle up all this AMAZING positivity and figuring out how to take sips from it every so often because it's really been a while since I've been able to clearly look at things optimistically.

The keys:

- Meeting four amazing women in person who I've engaged with or whose work I've consumed but otherwise haven't talked to in person before. They inspired me in their own ways to keep pushing past whatever it was I was struggling with and keep trying to make an imprint on this industry.

- Making Our Hopes and Dreams with Rob, Sara and Jon. Read that post for more, but suffice to say, I am at once so humbled by the talent of the people I got to work with and proud of what we, as a group, were able to accomplish.

- Catching up with a more than a few handfuls of people while I was in SF who reminded me how lucky I am to be connected to such thoughtful, interesting folks. Gave me perspective on how far I've come as well as helped me set where I'm going.

- Having the care and support of a very select, incredibly special set of kindred friends to not only share the events of the past week with, but also genuinely enjoy time with. There are literally no words for the amount of love I felt from those I have shared my hopes, fears and secrets with and it's... really kind of amazing.
But so I thought - hey. I am feeling on top of the world right now. How can I be careful to keep these positive thoughts- which will degrade over time - at least try to keep a semblance of them around myself because things might not be so rosy all the time.

So this game (read the rules here) has a few goals in mind. It's a structure. Which I think I want to try having more of in my life. And it'll help me think more consciously about my biggest money-drains right now: taxis and ordering food. And being positive, combined with saving in healthy ways, I think, will help me kick off this Rabbit year the right way. :) ]]> http://thingsiknow.net/2011/02/chinese-new-years-resolutions.html http://thingsiknow.net/2011/02/chinese-new-years-resolutions.html Thu, 03 Feb 2011 20:43:10 -0500 A Blog Post A Day Today, my old Aol coworker Laurent Courtines called us to action: write one blog post every day. Today I'm accepting his challenge!

I have new composition and publishing gadgets (Epic and Macbook Air), new toys for sources of ideas (PS3 and new games), and a ton of travel/events coming up to talk about.

Here's a list of ideas for later reference:
- continued Thanking Twitter series, because surely more than 3 people have impacted me over the years I've been using the service.
- additional pieces for Game Theory, if they'll have me.
- the social gaming column I've been promising Trina I'd write for GamingAngels forever ago.
- ideas and experiments in game design.
- reactions to games, console and otherwise, I play.

And here's why I'll accomplish writing daily:
- deny the lizard brain! linchpin it up.
- creating content makes me happy
- I forgot I'm um, a damn good writer when I like what I writing.
- should show that I can do design, if only for future speaking engagements
- I need some discipline.

So let's do this 2011. Writing something every day.

]]> http://thingsiknow.net/2011/01/a-blog-post-a-day.html http://thingsiknow.net/2011/01/a-blog-post-a-day.html Thu, 06 Jan 2011 23:49:12 -0500 Thanking Twitter - @chrisa9 This year has been pretty awesome, in part because of some amazing people I have had the honor of getting to know via Twitter. This is a thank-you note to someone who has made an impact on my life!

Christian doesn't let me get away with bullshit.

We met at the Village Pourhouse in East Village during one of the Rock Band bar nights after having talked on Twitter for a short while. Didn't even talk much that night. I'm pretty sure the very next time we met was at The Ginger Man (drinking - notice a trend?), where he, myself and another dear friend talked about game design and relationships and Real Talk -- for hours. We hit on waitresses, made them bring us more food, drank ridiculous amounts of delicious beer and somehow just... bonded. Over the next months, we talked online weekly about making games, shared ideas, helped each other polish our resumes and applications to land jobs. And as a side benefit - we both got to indulge in our more expensive habits like eating and drinking wine at great restaurants, seeing plays and being really great platonic 'activity partners'.

I'm not always sure how to describe our friendship. He's like a twin brother - not older and overprotective, not younger and needing guidance. In fact, he's probably one of few guy friends I have who won't baby me and try to overtly 'take care of me.' He makes me stand up for myself and pushes me to do better work, to suck it up and stop whining and take action. He doesn't judge, and always follows up to see how I am, even with his ridiculous busy life. And for that, I'm so grateful.

It genuinely blows that he lives in Chicago now and that we can't hang out on a regular basis, but I have a feeling that's temporary. Somewhere down the road, we're going to start our own studio and make awesome, awesome games.

Hey Twitter - here's some real talk. @chrisa9 rocks.

]]> http://thingsiknow.net/2010/12/thanking-twitter-chrisa9.html http://thingsiknow.net/2010/12/thanking-twitter-chrisa9.html Twitter Wed, 22 Dec 2010 19:00:07 -0500